Posts Tagged ‘Humor’

Signs Of Maturity

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-Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
-Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
-You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
-6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
-You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
-You watch the Weather Channel.
-Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
-You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
-Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
-You’re the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
-Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
-You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
-Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
-You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.
-Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
-You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.
-Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
-Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
-You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
-A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good stuff.”
-You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
-“I just can’t drink the way I used to,” replaces, “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
-90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
-You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
-You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn’t apply to you.

You Know You Are Living in 2005 When…

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1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You go home after a long day at work and you still answer the phone in a businesslike manner.
7. You make phone calls from home and you accidentally dial “9” to get an outside line.
8. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o’clock news.
11. Your boss doesn’t have the ability to do your job.
12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
17. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list.

Random Thoughts

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Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington, and they tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don’t we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it’s worked for over 200 years and we’re not using it anymore.

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse?
You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”
and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians…It creates a hostile work environment.

And Last but not least…..
George Carlin said it best about Martha Stewart ..
“Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she’s behind bars. O.J. Simpson and Kobe Bryant are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden too, but they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her butt off to jail.”

Earthquake in Mexico this morning (poor taste but a must)

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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico.
Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.
The country is totally ruined and the government doesn’t know where to start with asking for help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troopers to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending Five million replacement Mexicans.
God Bless America

Truth about smoking

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Ever wonder if other species that enjoy corroding their lungs with nicotine and tar? Wonder not.

The Cowboy and The Yuppie

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A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure. Why not?”… (more…)

Backup Trauma Video with John Cleese

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Got Camera-Mail

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Clever idea. Mail a disposable camera across the country. I wonder if anyone has tried to do this across the world?